What's on my mind right now?
My only thought on my mind is be silent...
Feels like I'm screaming super loud and no one couldn't hear me. I learned that sometimes silence is the loudest scream. I'm going through lots of things on mind for past few weeks which would be no one would understand myself what I'm going through unless they stand on my shoes.
The past months have thought me and is still teaching me some values which I'll be practicing for a lifetime. One of best one it is silence. We should be silence to connect, to speak, to listen to, and to think about our God’s beliefs deep in our hearts. We need to be alone with God in silence to be renewed and to be transformed, for silence can give us a new view in life.
Silence never hurts others except ourselves. Because they can't feel it. Even though our best friend is being around with us throughout our hard times they still can't understand and feel our pain. I've always been the craziest, loudest and the most jovial person, easy to make friends around my circle, even though there are some toxic people who are not in good terms, it is normal in human lives to have a friend-to-stranger zone. But I'm not always the most likeable person, and those who understand, me understand me. I'm the type of person who enjoys sharing everything with my friends and family. Even if I'm going through a tough time, I'll share my thoughts with someone who will simply listen to me. Because I'm afraid of the depression zone. I just don't want to re-enter the depression zone again because it was a toughest part of my life.
Everyone is going through shit in their life. Some worse than others. Some speak it out and some just be silent rather than showing it off. It's just the way one deals will it. Myself is the type who speaks myself out and to others (my friends & family) I just want them to listen to my shit stories and just give me a hug I'll be alright meaning that I won't be overcome the issue but I'll be chill. I don't really expect them to feel bad for myself.
Let me share what I've been going through lately.
Recently, I felt very bad for myself and felt so toxic about myself. I felt that I'm not a perfect person, perfect daughter to my mother, perfect friend to my friend, perfect student and etc. This were really putting me down and broke my self-esteem badly. I could feel that my mental health has been deteriorating.
I literally had panic attacks and was going through my depression stage, which I really don't want to go through. I'm the type of person who expects everything to go smoothly. That means I can't really let things flow. Everything must be well organized and planned. I can't accept last-minute changes because I get too stressed out. So, I applied this formula to humans as well. I assumed that if someone was being kind, they would remain to be kind. But I learned it was a huge scam. Of course, no one, including ourselves, is perfect. As a consequence, we cannot expect others to do the same.
I had problems again with my beloved one. Everything comes back on me completely differently this time. After a while, they started blaming me and pointing out my flaws. During a conversation that turned into a major issue, the person used all previous problems as an example. I refused to speak to the person in person and on the phone because I was so sick of it. I also felt extremely disrespectful. Normally, we would be upset about the person's mistakes and other things. But this time, everything has suddenly turned against me and is blaming me for certain problems. It's left me feeling lonely because the person has never made complaints about myself or felt disappointed in me. But this time, the person was also tired of me and wanted to give up. I was helpless and shocked. It's a little depressing for me. I don't have many conversations with anyone in my circle anymore, and I needed a break.
So, I took a break from everything. It was so depressing that I couldn't concentrate on my studies or my relationship. I was having mid-term exams at the same time as I was dealing with these issues. It was incredibly depressing for me. Isn't this a stressful week? It's been months, not weeks, that I've been dealing with it. So, I'm just rotting in my room, every so often staring at those walls, wondering what I'm doing with my life lately. I've recently chosen to live in silence. It's more about keeping things to myself and taking care of myself. My mom began to miss my vibes more than I did. I was really missing myself. But I was well aware that I shouldn't go or get involved in anything negative. So, I made sure that I was mentally strong and stable. Sometimes I was really bad and seriously out of sorts mentally. And at the time, my only support system was my friend, my darling, and my roommate, darling K. She was a great source of comfort to me when I wasn't feeling well. She was constantly aware that I was safe and healthy. It's nice to have someone say nice things to us. It's really nice. But, seriously, lately, silence has been my priority. It keeps the calm and peace.
Since I'm currently silent, no one knows what's going on with me. This isn't who I am, but it's who I'm becoming. This is who I am now. I'm not happy with who I've become, but this is what others get. Should I be correct if things are changing? I'm currently dealing with my own shit, and I'm still continuing to learn. Just don't tell me I've changed. Nobody changes unless something changes. That is the most considerable truth. Is this correct? You will undoubtedly relate to this phase if you read this.
And, yes, things aren't going well for me, and I'm hoping they're better for you. Have an amazing day, and please be kind! The world requires some kindness guys. Badly!!!
So, if you're not mentally well or good, please don't throw your words and emotions at others, especially those who truly care about you. Specifically, our mothers. They won't understand what we're going through because they can't always relate to us. They only cared about our happiness and health. Don't expect them to understand you for the sake of understanding them.
So, whenever you want to control your emotions, practise silence. Silence brings peace. It allows you to be present. Simply being silent allows us to hear our own heartbeat, enjoy nature, and confront God. This is a rare but miraculous experience. Learn to connect with the silence and appreciate the beauty that exists between birth and death.
stay positive- train your mind to see the good in every situation
“My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.”
― Edith Sitwell
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